While I am writing this, my gorgeous, sweet, unimaginably perfect son is slumbering by my side.. after the most breathtaking and life changing 39 weeks and 4 days all my dreams finally came true, and Lennon entered our lives.
This entire post will be all over the place and mostly stream of consciousness (it took me 5 days to recount this story), as so much has happened in this past week. I will try my hardest to summarize the events leading up to Lennon’s arrival and everything after.
BIRTH STORY: April 5th-April 7th
On Tuesday, April 5th 2011 at 9:00 a.m.I had, what at the time I didn’t know was going to be, my very last prenatal visit. I had a slight feeling that this one would be different from all the others but after getting a last glimpse of my sweet prince via ultrasound, my Dr. unexpectedly suggested to go ahead and induce that very night! Luckily Seth was by my side when the news was so unexpectedly exclaimed, because I am not sure if I could have handled the raw emotion that overcame me of possibly meeting my son as early as the next day. Not only that, but a million other worries/ thoughts crossed my mind in those short 15 minutes the Dr. left us to discuss the news: My mother would most likely not make it in time for his arrival (she was scheduled to fly in on the evening of April 6th), an induction was most definitely not part of my birthplan, nor was this possibility ever mentioned.. so you can image how I felt when hit with the news and asked to make a decision then and there. After listening to the Dr’s reasoning and advice (my chronic hyper tension, Lennon’s size, possible deterioration of the placenta etc) we “decided” the birthday of our son… or so we thought. Little man had ideas of his own, and still chose his birthday, in a way : )
That night at 7:30 pm we were to check into the hospital and begin the grueling task of induction. With a little less than 6 hrs to prepare, we raced home and finished all last minute preparations. Funnily, the overwhelming sense of nesting came over me, and I literally cleaned the house head to toe just one more time. This included, but was not limited to paining the walls!, cleaning the bathrooms, refrigerator, floors and finish packing the bags. I cannot explain why it felt so very urgent an necessary, but it took my mind of what was to come and definitely made me feel “more prepared” in a way…. Such a strangest thing. I laugh looking back at this now. I also managed to squeeze in and take my very last pregnancy image for my series… taking it gave me a very odd sense of finality and made me even more emotional and anxious of what was to come.
We packed the car in a sort of calm, not quite grasping the grandeur of what was unfolding right before our eyes… and so we made our way to the hospital. While calmly driving towards our destination, it hit me how the unfolding of events was not what I had expected and envisioned them to be at all: No waking in exhilaration because my water broke, no excitedly calling relatives and friends to deliver the news of the impending arrival of our baby, no rushing to the hospital in a wild car race whilst contractions overcame me…. No, right then and there, our very own labor and delivery story was written, and looking back, it was absolutely perfect and meant to be.. because it was ours.
We arrived at the hospital at 7:30pm, calmly parked the car, took our bags, pillows and made our way up to the 2nd floor: Labor and Delivery. Since I preregistered, the admission process was rather quick and painless.. but the waiting was nerve-racking. I believe we were sitting in the waiting room for about 1.5 hrs before our nurse finally called us back to get settled into L&D room #1.. the room I was to meet my son in for the first time. It seemed to be a quiet evening on the L&D floor, and our first nurse, Amy, was a needed breeze of exuberance. She was by far the most “loud” and “lively” of all the nurses we encounter over our 5 day! stay, but just what we needed to get the process started. She eased all of our nerves with jokes and was very attentive and kind at the same time. I changed into a dashing lime green hospital gown, crawled into “bed” and at 10:00pm that night, after my IV was placed (first one ever, hello weird) , I received my first dose of cytotec, a medicine that was to ripen and soften my cervix. One thing I should mention at this point is that my Dr. made it sound like I was definitely ready for labor and that things were progressing in my “nether regions”. According to him I was 1 cm dilated and about 60% or so effaced… I came to find out later, that this was not true. I was barely, barely dilated at all, and my cervix was super hard and not favorable for labor what so ever.. I do think that this caused for the series of events that follow. Needless to say, I got no sleep that night, not because of pain but because of the sheer anxiety I felt. I was already contracting very regularly earlier that morning in the Dr. office, but the cytotec definitely jump started my contractions, and even though they were not painful at all –all I could feel was tightening- they came right on top of another and it was decided that I was to skip the second dose of cytotec to not aggravate my uterus more. At 6:00am the dreaded pitocin was started.. I heard and read so very many horror stories about pitocin, the unease I felt once the first few drips entered my body was unreal. In hindsight I wonder if my hate and notion for the drug caused it to not work what so ever that first day. Yes, the pitocin and cytotec did nothing!! They did not soften nor dilate nor cause painful labor contractions what so ever. And after a long 24 hrs of not eating, being confined to a bed and a mere 2 hrs of sleep, it was decided to give me and my body a break. At 6:00pm everything was shut off, I received a saline block for my IV and was able to eat the most delicious subway sandwich, drink a ginourmous glass of tea, move around freely, take a shower and finally welcome my Mama! Yes, she MADE IT! She arrived once I was taken off all the medicines, at around 7pm. The events of the day left me exhausted and raw with emotions but once my mother entered the room, I completely lost it. Finally everything felt right, I was so glad she was there and at last I could relax. I had a glorious 3.5 hrs of rest, and at 9:30pm they restarted the cytotec, this time I had both pills over the course of the night. Contractions picked back up, and at 6am the pitocin was started again.
To be very honest, from here on out things get very very fuzzy and I am relying mostly on recounts from family. I feel like I was surrounded by a misty haze those following 3 or 4 days, and it is just now lifting, almost a week later. At around 8am the contractions definitely started to hurt, and at 10am, I was finally almost fully effaced and 1-2 cm dilated…. so they broke my water…. I think doing so threw my in full blown labor and one hour later I was in a pain I have never felt before. I tried my breathing techniques to no avail; I think I was so overwhelmed by the pain and its sudden onset that it was completely ineffective. I remember all I could do was to press my sweater up against my face while writhing through the pain. Sometime around then, Vania arrived (again, after spending the previous day with us, hoping for a baby ;) to document what was to come. The pictures will tell the story much better than I ever could. I am so thankful and fortunate to have my entire labor and delivery documented by my best friend. Vania did absolutely amazing, words cannot express my gratitude. If it were not for these pictures, I truly would not remember 80% of the events. I believe around 12pm I simply could not take it anymore and requested pain medicine via my IV. Woa… this in itself was a whole out of body experience. I am not one for drugs, and hate taking anything even for a headache…. So the meds they gave me (morphine?) really threw me for a loop, made me very very woozy, happy, and… well, high. I don’t remember ANYTHING, and did not request for more once it wore off. Once the pain was back in full force, I had to make a decision to try to labor naturally, as I had intended or to give in and receive the epidural……. In the end I gave in. And I feel no shame what so ever. I believe for me, it was the best possible option and ultimately helped me progress fairly quickly from then on. I want to divert at this point and mention that throughout this ENTIRE grueling 2.5 day process Lennon did absolutely amazing. Amazing. He tolerated it all and never once gave us any indication of distress. Even though he did not seem ready at first (the entire first 24+ hour period) he endured the stress of induced labor like no other. I feel so very proud of him, one of the many first parental emotions I am sure to feel.
Now, where was I? The epidural. I was so very weary of it because of a million factors, but one of the main ones was my scoliosis. I have moderate scoliosis that was said to not cause any difficulties, but after taking a peek at my spine, I think the anesthesiologist thought differently. A simple 10-15 minute procedure took well over 40 excruciating minutes. The actual placement of the epidural was nothing, no pain at all. What was so very painful was having to sit through one unbearable contraction right on top of another while the anesthesiologist tried placing the catheter 3 times! I think this was around 4pm. I remember feeling so overwhelmed once I was all taped up and back in bed and just started bawling…. I think from then until about 9pm or so it was just a waiting game. Did I sleep at all? I don’t know. This is probably the biggest gap I have in my memory, I just remember the nurse exclaiming around 9pm that I was almost 8-9cm, and at +1 station so they started prepping the room for delivery. I started pushing at about 9:45pm when I was finally 10 cm and +2 station and from then on time truly meant nothing. I pushed for about 1.5 hrs. You could tell me it was 1 min or an entire day. I wouldn’t know. I just remember being encouraged by my two amazing nurses, without whom I definitely could have not done it! I was so very lucky to have them as my coaches… I truly think the timing of things was meant to be for this one reason alone! I wish I’d remember both their names, Christina was one of them. Oh, my very favorite nurse was Valerie, she had the day shift and was there from when my pitocin was started, my water broken, my epidural given, but sadly did not make it for his delivery. Shift change was at 7pm, that’s when Christina took over. She was truly equally as amazing. Once again, Valerie had a certain calm about her, she was so very sincere and caring just what I needed for labor. Christina had the energy that was needed for the exhausting task of the actual delivery. I truly had the most perfect nurses! Back to pushing, I remember being so tremendously thirsty, a kind of thirst I have never felt before. I think I was allowed to drink at that point, but the two times I tried, it came right back up… so I simply sipped a bit of water after each push and spit it back out into a bucket ;) I also remember receiving an oxygen mask in between pushes and the smell of the plastic mask, I remember requesting a mirror which I couldn’t utilize because I just had to close my eyes with each push. I also remember requesting a ring from my mother and Lynn to wear. I was already wearing a ring from one of my grandmothers that was handed down to me on my wedding day. My mother was coincidentally wearing a ring from my other grandmother, and so I ended up wearing 4 rings of the most important women in my life, they were there in person and spiritually to give me strength. I also remember my mom’s cool hands on my face, I remember Seth’s firm hand behind my neck, the encouraging and joyful shouts of the nurses once it got closer and closer. I don’t remember the Dr. coming in, but remember the anticipation I began to feel once I saw his blue gown and gloves. I don’t remember his face at all.
My memory soars back the second it was exclaimed that his head was out. At this point I managed to look at the mirror and saw; first, his little shoulders slip out, followed by his entire body. Right then and there I lost it. This was the moment that I had anticipated, imagined, and dreamed about for so long. At 11:16pm on April 7th the world exploded with beauty and purity and my son entered our lives. It felt like an eternity, when my brand-new, slippery baby boy was hovering in the air about to be severed from me physically but forever connected to my soul and heart. He was placed directly on my chest and in that second the whole world stood still. It was only me and him and we locked eyes for the first time, and our souls met and they whispered to one another: “I have been waiting for you all my life"
Nothing else mattered, all sounds were lost, all I could see and feel was his perfect face that I tried to imagine for so long, his deep blue eyes, his plumb red-rosebud lips, his perfect, soft, milky skin, his delicious button nose, his tuft of fluffy blonde hair, his soulful gaze, the weight of his warm body against mine, his grasping hands searching for mine, the smell of his skin: new promise…. it was just me and him, and it was perfect. I was floored. It was more than I could comprehend. He was mine, mine in a way nothing had ever been mine before. I have never felt a more powerful, more tangible emotion in all of my life. I probably never will again. Up until that moment, I did not realize that anything was missing from my life and then I met him.
I do remember all of these emotions and senses very clearly… they left him on my chest for what feels like an eternity, and funnily, once they took him of off my chest to be cleaned up, memory vanishes again. It seems eerily miraculous that my mind blocked out everything, but let me fully experience and hold on to those few minutes in all clarity.
We are blessed beyond measures. This is the beginning of something most breathtaking…
